Advice needed

[Vicky]

Recently I found myself in a situation that I can call awkward. I was meeting a foreigner, everything was just superb for several months, we had couple of meetings in real, but then something happened and he somehow forgot about my existence, explaining he's got too much work, family problems and stuff. I felt very unhappy because he rarely responded to my mails, never called me, when I was planning to go and visit him, he was telling me he wouldn't be in the city, being busy etc. I know he's not married and no other girl etiher. Another several months of that ordeal have passed, the feeling I had for him faded, and suddenly - oops, he wants me back, with such a passion I never noticed in him. But I don't feel for him much anymore, too mane efforts of mine were put into returning him and left unnoticed. I guess he didn't give me a chance to totally fell in love. And the problem is - I don't know how to tell him all this. Well, actually now, when we speak from time to time using those chat things, I never sound the way he used to see, but looks like he pretends he doesn't notice it. What should I do? I don't want to offence anyone, but how come he doesn't see I'm not the same girl he knew?

[andy]

</span>Recently I found myself in a situation that I can call awkward. I was meeting a foreigner, everything was just superb for several months, we had couple of meetings in real, but then something happened and he somehow forgot about my existence, explaining he's got too much work, family problems and stuff. I felt very unhappy because he rarely responded to my mails, never called me, when I was planning to go and visit him, he was telling me he wouldn't be in the city, being busy etc. I know he's not married and no other girl etiher. Another several months of that ordeal have passed, the feeling I had for him faded, and suddenly - oops, he wants me back, with such a passion I never noticed in him. But I don't feel for him much anymore, too mane efforts of mine were put into returning him and left unnoticed. I guess he didn't give me a chance to totally fell in love. And the problem is - I don't know how to tell him all this. Well, actually now, when we speak from time to time using those chat things, I never sound the way he used to see, but looks like he pretends he doesn't notice it. What should I do? I don't want to offence anyone, but how come he doesn't see I'm not the same girl he knew?<span =''>
Hi Vicky,

The only advice I can offer to you is to stay clear of the man involved.If he was unable to share his 'problems' with you before then either he has something to hide or he unfortunately did not trust you enough to share them with you.It seems to me he had something else on his mind (whatever that was) and was/is afraid to let 'you in' to his thoughts etc.This can not be a good basis for any relationship/friendship as you could never be sure what he is thinking and he has been very self-fish with no regard to how you were feeling during this period.Too many people everywhere,male and female only seem to think of how things affect them and not how it will affect the people around them! I wonder what his reaction would have been had you told him you had 'family problems etc" - would he have written again?? Unless you feel you can trust him again and that he will not do this again then I'm afraid you will have to put this down to experience and not allow him to walk back into your life as though nothing has happened and with no explanation - you will always be wondering otherwise.Change your e-mail address if you have to - and 'keep your chin up' - you deserve better!!!
Only my opinion - it is YOUR decision!!
Take care
Andy. http://datingtalk.info/non-cgi/emoticons/cool.gif

[Lou]

Hi Vicky,

I am not an expert in relationship, I don't know the man and I don't know many details of your situation other then what you wrote. From what I have read, I have to agree with Andy. I run a small business which did demand in the begining that I work very long hours (18 hrs for 6 days a week for a couple of weeks (never months). Even during those crazy days I still found time to send emails and talk to my family. Family problems could be a little different such as a parent or child or sibling who requires round the clock supervision due to illness but I would think that he would have shared that with you when he did talk to you.

You ask why he doesn't see that you are no longer the person he knew. I am certain the hint (signals) that you were sending were obvious but it is no great secret that we men can be a little ... how do you say... not right in the head sometime http://datingtalk.info/non-cgi/emoticons/tounge.gif We don't see what is plain to see by everyone around us. We sometimes need a more

[Vicky]

Hi guys,
you probably understand why I'm not adressing girls here... we can think we're experts in psychology of both sexes, but we're not. Like we (men and women) are from different planets, trying to find common language http://datingtalk.info/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif
Andy, you hit the point, that's how I feel sometimes about that guy, like he's keeping me apart from his business and still expecting me to be his second half. Another detail of that relationship - when I was out of the city, I had to go out and inform the guy about it, though he wanted me visiting him rather than going somewhere else, I promised I would e-mail him every day, well, I really wanted to keep that tie. I made huge attempt to find a place where I could come every day and tell via e-mail what I was doing, what I was feeling and stuff. I was out for 3 weeks. I didn't get a single e-mail back. On my return I demanded the explanation, which was - I even wasn't sure who was writing to me, from where, and what I should answer. Very encouraging, eh?
Still, as Lou noted, I agree that we should be straight-forward to men, coz when they don't want to hear - they don't hear. But I guess I'm too kind-hearted for such a blow. What should I say - it was nice but now it's gone? Tell me guys what words should I choose. Try to imagine yourself on that guy's place and tell me "how" that should be formulated so that he didn't start thinking all girls, especially Russian, are cruel, insensitive, harsh. I would like I think to remain friends with him but I dont' like anything trivial, and "let's be friends" sounds like that to me. So, what would you like to hear in that situation from a girl?

[Lou]

</span>Another detail of that relationship - when I was out of the city, I had to go out and inform the guy about it, though he wanted me visiting him rather than going somewhere else, I promised I would e-mail him every day, well, I really wanted to keep that tie. I made huge attempt to find a place where I could come every day and tell via e-mail what I was doing, what I was feeling and stuff. I was out for 3 weeks. I didn't get a single e-mail back. On my return I demanded the explanation, which was - I even wasn't sure who was writing to me, from where, and what I should answer. Very encouraging, eh?<span =''>

Vicky, are you saying that this guy asked you to promise him to tell him everyday where you were and what you did when were not at home? Yet he didn't reply to a single email? Was he the one who requested that you keep in touch? Never really telling you to do it but somehow you felt like you had no other option!

Again, I am not a professional , I have never met the man, spoken to him or read his correspondence with you. It is very easy to play the armchair quarterback (american expression that refers to someone making snap judgments yet they have no qualifications to do so), so please read what I write with some reservation.

If the above is true, God forbid that I am right but I see a very disturbing and classic personality trait that I have seen before (again I am NOT a psychologist). I really hope that I am wrong but he appears to be what we call a control freak. My cousin who also happens to be a dear friend was married to one of these monsters for 5 years. A real Dr. Jeckel and Mr. Hyde. She thought she could change him http://datingtalk.info/non-cgi/emoticons/sad.gif. If my suspicions (and that is all they are) are correct; I don't know how to say this delicately and with tact but...

</span></span>[QUOTE= (Vicky @ Nov. 04 2002,09:40)]Recently I found myself in a situation that I can call awkward. I was meeting a foreigner, everything was just superb for several months, we had couple of meetings in real, but then something happened and he somehow forgot about my existence, explaining he's got too much work, family problems and stuff. I felt very unhappy because he rarely responded to my mails, never called me, when I was planning to go and visit him, he was telling me he wouldn't be in the city, being busy etc. I know he's not married and no other girl etiher. Another several months of that ordeal have passed, the feeling I had for him faded, and suddenly - oops, he wants me back, with such a passion I never noticed in him. But I don't feel for him much anymore, too mane efforts of mine were put into returning him and left unnoticed. I guess he didn't give me a chance to totally fell in love. And the problem is - I don't know how to tell him all this. Well, actually now, when we speak from time to time using those chat things, I never sound the way he used to see, but looks like he pretends he doesn't notice it. What should I do? I don't want to offence anyone, but how come he doesn't see I'm not the same girl he knew?<span =''>
Hi Vicky,

[Lou]

Hi Byoof,

I think that what you say has a lot of merit. I know more then a little

Ok, the Sens are cool. As long as you don't cheer for Bertuzzi in Vancouver!!! I love Vancouver. I lot of good rock comes out of Van, Biff Naked, Holly McNarland, Thoery of a Dead man, Default and Nickleback, and the like, but I can't handle those fans. They suck. Any city that would let the Grizzlies go are not fans in my books. Did like the rides down Granville, though. Ps. I had to take Bertuzzi in my mates hockey draft in Victoria. He had a good year last year. But I got Mogilny for Toronto. Hopefully he does something for notre Leafes. http://datingtalk.info/non-cgi/emoticons/biggrin.gif Later. Cheer Byoof. PSS I think my anonymity is in question.SHHHHH!!!! Cheers Byoof

[andy]

</span>Hi guys,
you probably understand why I'm not adressing girls here... we can think we're experts in psychology of both sexes, but we're not. Like we (men and women) are from different planets, trying to find common language http://datingtalk.info/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif
Andy, you hit the point, that's how I feel sometimes about that guy, like he's keeping me apart from his business and still expecting me to be his second half. Another detail of that relationship - when I was out of the city, I had to go out and inform the guy about it, though he wanted me visiting him rather than going somewhere else, I promised I would e-mail him every day, well, I really wanted to keep that tie. I made huge attempt to find a place where I could come every day and tell via e-mail what I was doing, what I was feeling and stuff. I was out for 3 weeks. I didn't get a single e-mail back. On my return I demanded the explanation, which was - I even wasn't sure who was writing to me, from where, and what I should answer. Very encouraging, eh?
Still, as Lou noted, I agree that we should be straight-forward to men, coz when they don't want to hear - they don't hear. But I guess I'm too kind-hearted for such a blow. What should I say - it was nice but now it's gone? Tell me guys what words should I choose. Try to imagine yourself on that guy's place and tell me "how" that should be formulated so that he didn't start thinking all girls, especially Russian, are cruel, insensitive, harsh. I would like I think to remain friends with him but I dont' like anything trivial, and "let's be friends" sounds like that to me. So, what would you like to hear in that situation from a girl?<span =''>
Hi Vicky,

From what you have written, I think you know in your heart that this guy was not the one for you.Whatever his reasons for "ignoring" your feelings were, they have clearly underminded and trust and respect you had for him.However, if you do love him you will probably forgive him and believe his excuses - both men and women do this all the time!! As I said previously, only you know what you really feel and although very hard (I know from personal experience!) it is sometimes better to follow your head and not your heart.Once the trust goes and suspicion arises then there is no going back - or very rarely! As to what you say to him, it really depends on the method you use - it's easier writing/telephoning etc than it is to do it in person but there is less chance of misunderstanding in person - your feelings/emotions can be seen in your face. As for remaining friends, it can work sometimes but can people remain friends when either one of them still finds the other attractive - what happens when either starts dating someone else??
Hope you work out what is best for YOU!!
These are only my personal opinions - whether they are
any use to you I don't know!!

Take care
Andy.

[katya]

</span><span =''>
if she love he, she will forgive he. and if she don't love he - for what is telling ?

[Vicky]

</span>[quote=andy,Nov. 05 2002,16:59]
if she love he, she will forgive he. and if she don't love he -

[Vicky]

Guys,
thanks a lot for advice. I guess I myself made the situation confusing for both of us. We did have wonderful time together, I just wasn't given enough time to grow a deep feeling, or we might say the guy missed the chance to cultivate that in me. I was near a deep feeling but someone stepped on a tiny thing that is called self-respect and dignity. If only it was that simple - love or hatred! Everything is much more difficult in this life, that's one of the reasons I enjoy it. I can't close my eyes as if I don't notice obvious things. Love is not an affect, it's something deeper. Heart matters a lot, but when it is hurt, head takes its turn. As for writing and telling openly that all I need from him is a friendly care and interest in personality, well, I tried that, it didn't work. He still hopes for something and everytime we talk keeps repeating - where's that Vicky I knew a year ago? How to explain that we can't enter one and the same river twice, I don't know. A funny thing - a friend of mine who knows about the situation told me - give this guy a link to this forum, let him come and read you once again and what other people think. Very tempting http://datingtalk.info/non-cgi/emoticons/smile.gif But cruel as well. I am actually trying to bring that story to some logical end, but want to do that in the least harmful way. After I read advice here I realize I must do it, and the sooner I do it the better for both. As far as I feel now the guy hardly will accept my friendship, but I also know that the hammer I'm having in my hands is very heavy. But a blow is inevitable.

P.S. Byoff, thank you for the poem.
P.P.S. So strange to get so many warm words from people you got to know just a few days ago. Thank you all.

[katya]

</span></span>[QUOTE= (katya @ Nov. 05 2002,19:50)]</span>[QUOTE= (andy @ Nov. 05 2002,16:59)]<span =''>
if she love he, she will forgive he. and if she don't love he -